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Upsetting Myself

Yes, I know I'm still working on it. I'm identifying my problems and peeling back many layers and years of repression and denial about how I view the world and myself. And saying out loud, "No, I don't like myself" and "It feels easier to blame myself than to blame others" is something I never thought I would do.

But.

When I talk all about how I have trouble not making a relationship about sex, and thinking that the physicial is the bedrock and solves all problems, and THEN go from zero to fuck with someone I just met — I still feel the guilt about how I can talk all the talk I want but can't seem to shake the old habits.

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And this is something I've known for a while, even before I got a regular therapist to talk to. Even going over the fresh memory of the entire night, right through the ending where I end up a tense, panicked and shaking ball in this stranger's apartment; I'm still despondent. Trying not to cry in a fucking Starbucks.

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